"I have to use all my will-power to play or conduct an orchestra in public, not of course without injury to my nature. It always struck me as horrible that if you write something, there's no other way of hearing it than in a concert. It's like telling a policeman all your most secret inner impulses. I feel morally defiled after every such public act."
-as printed in Stephen Walsh's "Musorgsky and His Circle", originally found in one of Balakirev's letters to Vladimir Stasov. Clearly we can see what I'm re-reading before I meet Walsh this week!